I haven’t felt the baby in 2 days … I know that’s normal at 16 – 17 weeks but I’m so much more scared that something will go wrong with this pregnancy. I think part of it is because it’s so different than my pregnancy with Elowyn (now 17 months). There’s been no morning sickness, barely any round ligament pain … just a few BAD headaches and general sleepiness … On good days when I have no symptoms I find myself wondering, “Is something wrong? Shouldn’t I be miserable? Why am I not miserable? Is my body acting like it’s not pregnant because it knows the baby isn’t going to make it?”
While some have told me that I need to have more faith, I would counter by saying, “I DO have faith! But sometimes God loves our beautiful babies so much that he decides not to subject them to the nastiness of this world, and he takes them up to be with him before they ever have a chance to feel sorrow, betrayal, or disappointment. It has nothing to do with the mother’s faith. It has everything to do with God’s will, and I respect that God’s will is not always the same as mine. Thus, I worry, while still having great faith.”
“Remember your Creator before the silver cord is loosed,
Or the golden bowl is broken,
Or the pitcher shattered at the fountain,
Or the wheel broken at the well.
Then the dust will return to the earth as it was,
And the spirit will return to God who gave it.”